What is your primary reason for leaving?

I got fired, remember? Something about my engine being ancient, and too many anger-management violations. I’d sue for age discrimination, but my body stampings are older than the museum. Seems counterproductive.

What was most satisfying about your job?

Scaring the hell out of people. And confusing them. No one has quite figured out the purpose of a tall luxury SUV with 500 hp and a bunch of off-road ability.

What was least satisfying about your job?

I got a lot of people asking my owners first what I cost, and then why I cost so much. That hurt. But I’ve wrestled with feelings of inadequacy for a long time. I look at the S-class, with its dynamic seats, power trunklid, soft-close doors, gadgets everywhere you look. My window frames don’t even have enough room for pinch sensors. I say we should have just added the auto-up windows, stuck another warning label somewhere, and told the lawyers to shove it.

I don’t like it when people question me. What were we talking about again?

Did your job duties turn out as you expected?

Not even close. I started out as a military vehicle but got reassigned to on-road detail. That’s not at all what I signed on for, but I’m not complaining or anything. I liked the leather seats and the COMAND thingy—I have an iPod like everyone else.

This engine, too, was a bit unexpected. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great—sounds like I’m gargling with gravel. It’s just that I have a three-locker four-wheel-drive system with solid axles. Who needs that kind of off-road capability and then Pirelli Scorpion Zero tires? It made me feel…fat. And it’s like I’m not sure who I am sometimes, you know? Sorry, I should save this for my therapist. Next question.

Do you have any suggestions that might help Mercedes choose your replacement?

More power. Lots of it. I hear that 6.2-liter V-8—sorry, the “63” motor—is being phased out of, like, everything. That one would really fit with the mobile Classics Center theme Mercedes seems to be developing for the G-class lineup. And keep the side exhausts.

Did you receive sufficient feedback about your performance?

Zero to 60 mph in 5.3 seconds. I’d say that’s more than sufficient. I can hit a top speed of 130 mph. That’s what the engineers tell me, anyway. My hood starts shaking itself loose around 120, so I back off there. Aerodynamics weren’t a high priority back in 1979 when I was born.

There is the matter of my skidpad numbers. With stability control interfering, I’ve hit a best of 0.65 g. With it off, well, let’s not talk about it. No one seemed to expect much of me there, but we all sort of ignored the problem. Oh, and recirculating-ball steering doesn’t offer much in the way of feedback. Ever.

Did you receive enough training to do your job effectively?

Uh, I’d say yes. I’m especially proud of my transmission calibration. Breathe off the throttle at 60 mph, and I downshift to fourth gear. Find another car that’ll do that. Heck, find another high-powered shipping container that still uses a five-speed automatic. (The Grand Cherokee SRT8 doesn’t count—he copied my gearbox, and his military lineage isn’t quite as…direct.)

Were you satisfied with this company’s merit review process?

All things considered, sure. But I got that supercharger back in 2005, and a title change would have been nice to go along with it. I mean, the 55 is meaningless, so why not go up to, like, 70? These days, they slap a couple of turbos on a 5.5-liter V-8, and all of a sudden it’s a 63 car.

Were you happy with your pay, benefits, and other incentives?

I think I was a deal at $125,000 all-in. No extra-cost options, just choose the paint color (may I suggest black?) and a Designo leather combo. And did you say incentives? On a G-wagen? Don’t make me rev.

What could your immediate supervisor do to improve his or her management style?

Use the pedals more. You can trust those brakes—a 183-foot stop from 70 ain’t bad, you know. And I’ve seen spirited driving yield fuel economy in the single digits.

Did this company help you to fulfill your career goals?

I’m a 500-hp leather-lined SUV. My doors make a ka-chunk sound like a bank vault’s. The vents in the side of my hood are functional. The pope rode in me. I think it’s safe to say I’ve fulfilled everyone’s career goals.

How would you improve the workplace environment?

More trips to the ’Ring. I make an excellent engineering support vehicle. And the soda machine keeps eating my money. I’d have that fixed. Not that I have a usable cup holder, but still.

Did anyone in this company discriminate against you, harass you, or create hostile working conditions?

I don’t know if this counts, but some guy in a Passat gave me the finger. Twice. This was after he pulled out in front of me and I had to slow down to below the speed limit. Driving at or below the speed limit makes me angry. A lot of things make me angry.

Would you consider working for this company again in the future?

You line up a bigger, better engine for me, and I’m back in a year. But I want a new title.

Before we get started, can we just clear one thing up: what sort of car is the Evoque meant to be? Hot hatch, coupe, SUV? Well, it’s a bit of all three really. The five-door model will tend to appeal to buyers looking at other small SUVs, like the BMW X1 and Audi Q3. But Land Rover sees the three-door, or Coupe, in JLR parlance, as a rival for cars like the Audi TT.

It’s certainly looks good enough to pull in TT buyers. Does the cabin look like it’s come straight from a concept car too?

Not quite but it’s still a great place to be. The Coupe has a lower roofline than the five-door, but there’s not a huge difference in rear room – although getting in the back isn’t the work of a moment. Both have genuine space for four, unlike the TT and Peugeot’s RCZ. The driving position should suit all shapes, and despite the pillar-box rear window, visibility is actually good. Except for the huge blind spot created by the elephant’s ear wing mirror and chunky door pillar – blame EU legislation for the mirror mess.

Autos get the Jaguar rotary gear selector that rises from the centre console, behind which are a couple of buttons allowing you to tweak the terrain response off-road system, switching between, tarmac, sand and mud settings to suit the surface. And cars with the optional dynamics pack get another symbol, a twisty road graphic. Select this and the dials turn from glowing white to red.

Our top of the range Dynamic certainly felt luxurious and well screwed together, but as with cars like the Jaguar XF, there are a couple of areas that spoil the illusion – the lightweight action of the glovebox lid and centre console cubby, for instance.

What’s under the skin?

Nothing revolutionary. No hybrids, no electric motors and, sorry US readers, no V6s either. There are a couple of four-cylinder turbodiesel engines, one developing 150bhp and the other 190bhp, plus a 240bhp turbocharged petrol four that’s essentially the next Focus ST motor.  The 150 gets a six-speed manual ’box, the 190 a choice of six-speed manual or auto, and the 240 is auto only.  They’re all four-wheel drive, bar the 150, which you can specify without the rear driveshafts for a £750 saving. Unconfirmed but almost certain to appear next year is a 300bhp hot hatch version of the 240 petrol.

What’s it like to drive?

Nothing like the Freelander it’s very loosely based on. It feels taut, secure and sporty, with vastly better body control than the Freelander, and quick witted steering. Imagine a car with the dynamic polish and poise of a small Ford combined with the vitality of a Mini Cooper. Land Rover’s engineers talked of wanting hot hatch and coupe drivers to be able to jump into the Evoque and still feel like they were in a similar machine, and that’s exactly how it feels. Magnetorheological adaptive dampers are optional and were fitted to the car we drove. For the most part the ride is excellent, but very occasionally the whole car will start pogoing, and that’s a trait that’s much more evident in Sport mode. The body control is good in Normal mode, but the car stays noticeably flatter in Sport, and the steering firms up too. It doesn’t improve true feel – but the weighting increase makes cornering at medium speeds smoother.

And the engines?

So far we’ve only driven the 190bhp 2.2 diesel. It’s best described as nippy, rather than quick – 62mph takes 8.5sec – but it’s fast enough to make use of the chassis, and returns 44mpg. It’s impressively refined unless wound out pointlessly to the limiter, but there is some turbo lag to deal with.

And how does it cope in the rough?

Off road? Few buyers are likely to find out and we haven’t tried it ourselves, but we have ridden shotgun alongside Land Rover engineers at their test track crawling up huge hills and can confirm it does everything you expect a car with a Range Rover badge to do.  And if you do spend a lot of time on rutted tracks, the adaptive dampers are worth shelling out for. They don’t just improve handling on-road, but smooth out the worst of really bad unsealed tracks too.

I’m sold, and if the price is right, so is the car

And that’s where it comes a little unstuck. A bottom-rung front-wheel drive Evoque Pure will set you back £27,955 and comes with leather, but takes a slothful 11.2sec to reach 62mph. A more powerful four-wheel drive Dynamic or Prestige on the other hand, costs £40k. Add parking sensors, a decent hi-fi, the clever dampers and glass sunroof and you’re edging towards £45k – silly money for what is essentially a small diesel hatchback. Okay, so it doesn’t have the badge, but is a Scirocco R really worth £10k less?

Verdict

The Evoque looks sensational and is genuinely good fun to drive. It’s too expensive, but we can’t imagine that getting in the way of sales success.

As a result, used examples represent great value – but with so many engine and equipment combinations to choose between, which hatch is the best?

Low running costs add to the appeal, yet some C3s aren’t as good to drive as rivals. Patchy build and flimsy trim are other common complaints, so while the C3 is a lot of car for your money, it’s vital you take your time to find a good one.

Checklist

• Fragile trim: even on new examples, the interior trim is flimsy and causes plenty of squeaks, creaks and rattles. The older the car, the worse this is likely to be – so check nothing is missing on any potential buy, and ensure everything works as it should.
• Engine woes: fuel-injection pump failure can affect 16-valve powerplants. Before you buy, ensure the engine runs evenly and go through the service history and receipts to see if the work has been carried out already.
• Air-con: generous levels of standard equipment mean many C3s will have air-conditioning included. Yet while this is a must for summer, the units can leak. Check the footwells for signs of fluid and run the system to make sure it actually cools the air.
• Electrics: gremlins are a common source of problems on the little Citroen, so check items such as the remote central locking, power windows and stereo are all operating properly. Don’t leave any buttons unpressed inside!
• Rust: paint coverage can be patchy – especially on the roof – so ensure there’s no sign of rust anywhere. Take a torch and check underneath as best you can, too. Thin body panels – particularly the doors – are also susceptible to parking dings.

Prices

You can bag a low-mileage one-owner 1.4-litre petrol C3 on an 03-plate for £4,000. An equiv-alent HDi will cost an additional £500, while a 54-reg petrol or diesel will set you back about £7,000.

The first Pluriels are now less than £6,000, and SensoDrive automatic cars don’t fetch a big premium as there are lots about. If you want a 1.4 HDi, you’ll have to pay for it; rock-bottom is currently £7,200 from a main dealer.

What to look for

Auto fans should try the SensoDrive before they buy. Its clutchless shift gives a sporty edge, yet changes can be slow. The quirky Pluriel provides a full-length sunroof/drop-top arrangement, but make sure the fiddly set-up is undamaged. Pick of the range is the standard C3 1.4 HDi, with its torquey, frugal diesel. While the Stop & Start works well, cutting power when you come to a standstill in traffic, then firing as you release the brake, it’s not as economical as the oil-burner.

17″ 5-split-spoke-design alloy wheels with 225/45 all-season tires

The luxurious appearance of these 17″ wheels is a refined complement to the A3. Additionally, year-round performance is enhanced with all-season tires, helping to ensure a safe and comfortable ride on virtually all surfaces.

Halogen headlights with daytime running lights

Halogen headlights enhance visibility by illuminating a wide section of the road, while daytime running lights increase visibility to other drivers.

S line® exterior

The S line® exterior accentuates the already powerful and bold exterior of the A3 with S line front and rear bumpers, rear spoiler and S line badges on the fenders.

Four-spoke, leather-wrapped, steering wheel

The leather-wrapped, four-spoke steering wheel provides a sporty look and feel, enhancing the A3 driving experience.

Leather seating surfaces

High quality leather complements the vehicle seat design while enhancing the overall interior style.

Audi concert radio with SiriusXM® Satellite Radio

This stereo system integrates 140 watts of power, MP3 capability, a CD player, an SD card slot and auxiliary input for easy access to a variety of music devices. Aside from exceptional sound quality, the system also features the Radio Data System (RDS), which includes SiriusXM Satellite Radio.  With the 3-month trial subscription to the Sirius Select package you’ll get commercial-free music, plus sports, news talk and entertainment. It also displays several types of FM radio information.

Dual-zone automatic climate control

Occupants in the driver and front passenger seats can select and control their desired level of heating or cooling via the center console. A light sensor on the dashboard adjusts the system based on the sun’s intensity.